“Is the Church Watering Down St. Paul? What Ephesians 5 Meant Then vs. Now”

 Emphasis on Sacrificial Love Over Submission in Catholic Marriage Discourse

Scriptural Basis: Love and Submission in Ephesians 5

The New Testament passage of Ephesians 5:21–33 famously describes a twofold model for Christian spouses: “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord… Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her” (Eph 5:22, 25). Traditionally, this meant the wife’s submission to her husband’s headship and the husband’s sacrificial love toward his wife, mirroring the Christ–Church relationship. In practice, however, modern Catholic interpretation and preaching tend to give far more attention to the husband’s duty of self-giving love than to the wife’s duty of obedience. Many commentators note that this biblical text, once “dreaded” for its call to wifely subordination, is now often softened or reframed in homilies and Catholic media.

It's important to note, however, that the concept of mutual submission, as emphasized today in Catholic homilies and writings, was traditionally understood in a narrower, though still profound, context: the marital debt. St. Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 teaches:

“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

This shows that St. Paul viewed both spouses as equals before God, each having equal dignity and equal rights within marriage. In particular, he was safeguarding against the use of sex as a weapon—whether through withholding affection, manipulation, or emotional control. The marital act could not be unilaterally denied without just cause, such as illness or mutual agreement. In this way, St. Paul was upholding marriage not only as a physical union but as a sacred, mutual gift. His instruction affirmed that sex is not to be used bluntly or selfishly, and that mutual love must govern even this intimate aspect of marriage. While modern homilies broaden the idea of "mutual submission" to encompass all dimensions of the marital relationship, the original scriptural and traditional context focused intensely on mutual sexual obligation as a safeguard for justice, affection, and unity in the home.

Homiletic Trends: Highlighting the Husband’s Role

A clear pattern has emerged in Catholic homilies and pastoral practice: priests and deacons frequently emphasize the husband’s sacrificial love while downplaying or carefully contextualizing the wife’s submission. In parish settings, it is not uncommon for the potentially uncomfortable verses about wives being “subordinate” to be abridged or omitted when proclaimed at Mass. For instance, on certain feasts or wedding liturgies the Lectionary provides an option to skip the verse “Wives, be subordinate to your husbands” and focus instead on more palatable exhortations (The Key to the Dreaded Ephesians’ Passage| National Catholic Register) (Love holds no place for subordination | National Catholic Reporter). As one observer quipped, sometimes “the offending passages have been delicately bracketed, so that only St. Paul’s admonitions to the husband are going to be read – ‘Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church…’” (The Key to the Dreaded Ephesians’ Passage| National Catholic Register). Many congregations “sigh in relief” when the reader chooses this shortened form, and even when the full passage is read, homilists often pivot immediately to the less controversial idea of mutual love (The Key to the Dreaded Ephesians’ Passage| National Catholic Register).

In practice, clergy very rarely preach a literalist “wives must obey” message. Instead, they usually hasten to explain the context or to stress the reciprocal duties of spouses. A Catholic Answers writer noted that “too many priests consider verse 18 controversial: ‘Wives, be subject to your husbands,’” and will either skip it or treat it as culturally outdated (Wives Be Subject to Your Husbands | Catholic Answers Magazine) (catholicexchange.com). Indeed, over the last few decades, many preachers have framed St. Paul’s words as needing careful interpretation “in light of the modern understanding of the dignity of women,” often comparing it to how we disregard biblical instructions about slaves obeying masters (catholicexchange.com) (Love holds no place for subordination | National Catholic Reporter). This suggests a broad pastoral preference to avoid any impression that the Church endorses the subjugation of women. In homilies, one commonly hears reassurance that “the demand for a wife to submit… is nothing compared to the demand the husband has” in this passage (Wives, Be Submissive to Your Husbands...? | EWTN). In other words, priests frequently underscore that the husband’s calling is actually more difficult – he must be prepared to “love his wife as Christ loves the Church,” even to the point of laying down his life (Wives, Be Submissive to Your Husbands...? | EWTN) (Wives, Be Submissive to Your Husbands...? | EWTN). As one EWTN reflection put it, “when taken in proper context, the husband might not really like this passage after all, because the demand for him is much heavier” than for his wife (Wives, Be Submissive to Your Husbands...? | EWTN). This kind of comment – sometimes even expressed humorously in sermons – highlights that dying to self for one’s spouse is a taller order than mere obedience. The net effect is that Catholic audiences are far more often challenged to consider how well husbands emulate Christ’s self-sacrifice than they are exhorted to unquestioning wifely submission.

Theological Framing: Mutual Submission and Servant-Leadership

Behind this homiletic emphasis is a common theological reframing of Ephesians 5. Rather than reading it as a warrant for male dominance, contemporary Catholic teaching presents it as a call for mutual self-giving. This approach was articulated especially by Pope St. John Paul II, who taught that the key to Ephesians 5 is found in the preceding verse (5:21): “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.” John Paul II emphasized that *“husband and wife are in fact *‘subject to one another,’ mutually subordinated to one another. The source of this mutual subjection… is Christ, and its expression is love.” (The Husband-Wife Relationship in Ephesians 5, 21-23 | EWTN). He explained in a 1982 audience that St. Paul “underlines this love in a special way, addressing himself to husbands… By expressing himself in this way, he removes any fear that might have arisen (given the modern sensitivity) from the phrase: ‘Wives, be subject to your husbands’” (The Husband-Wife Relationship in Ephesians 5, 21-23 | EWTN). In other words, the biblical author’s stress on the husband’s loving role was intended even in antiquity to prevent any misunderstanding of Christian marriage as tyrannical. “Love excludes every kind of subjection whereby the wife might become a servant or a slave… Love makes the husband simultaneously subject to the wife, and thereby subject to the Lord himself” (The Husband-Wife Relationship in Ephesians 5, 21-23 | EWTN), John Paul taught. This servant-leadership model – where the husband’s “headship” means service and sacrifice, not domination – has heavily influenced Catholic preaching and writing. It reframes a wife’s “submission” as voluntary cooperation and respect, given freely in response to a husband’s Christlike love, rather than coerced subordination.

Many popular Catholic speakers and authors echo this mutual, love-centered framing. They often point out that St. Paul compares marriage to the Christ-Church relationship not to hand husbands unchecked power, but to call them to heroic charity. For example, Pope Francis in a 2015 general audience drove this point home to men in the crowd: “Husbands… love your wives as Christ ‘loved the Church and gave himself up for her’… Do you understand this? Do you love your wife as Christ loves the Church? This is no joke, these are serious things!” (General Audience of 6 May 2015: The family - 13. Marriage (II) | Francis) (General Audience of 6 May 2015: The family - 13. Marriage (II) | Francis). He noted that this “radical devotion asked of the man, for the love and dignity of the woman” must have astonished the ancient world (General Audience of 6 May 2015: The family - 13. Marriage (II) | Francis). Thus from the Pope down to parish clergy, the tone is one of elevating the husband’s duty: the husband is admonished to imitate Christ’s self-sacrificial care continually, which “re-establishes the original reciprocity of devotion and respect” between the spouses (General Audience of 6 May 2015: The family - 13. Marriage (II) | Francis). The wife’s role, by contrast, is seldom preached in isolation – it is presented within that context of reciprocal devotion. Catholic marriage preparation materials, too, underscore that the sacrament calls both spouses to submission to each other in Christ-like love. The official Catechism of the Catholic Church speaks of marriage as a “partnership” of equals (no hint of one spouse being lesser) and the mutual surrender of self to the other (cf. CCC 1604, 1642). Even the Catholic wedding liturgy now makes this balance explicit. In the Nuptial Blessing prayer, the priest asks God to help the husband “acknowledg[e] her as his equal and his joint heir to the life of grace,” and to have him “show her due honor and cherish her always with the love that Christ has for his Church.” (Love holds no place for subordination | National Catholic Reporter) (The Nuptial Blessing - For Your Marriage). The same prayer asks that the bride will be loving and faithful, but notably uses the language of equality and mutual inheritance of grace, rather than instructing her to “obey.” This liturgical text, introduced after Vatican II, exemplifies a pastoral preference for stressing the husband’s cherishing love and the fundamental equality of husband and wife in dignity.

De-Emphasizing “Submission”: Pastoral Interpretations

When the topic of a wife’s submission does come up in Catholic talks or media, it is nearly always heavily qualified or reframed rather than emphasized. Clergy and catechists take pains to clarify what submission does not mean: not slavish obedience, not inferiority, and never tolerating abuse or sin (Wives, Be Submissive to Your Husbands...? | EWTN) (Wives, Be Submissive to Your Husbands...? | EWTN). As Pope Pius XI taught as far back as 1930 (in a quote still circulated in homilies today), a wife’s submission “neither ignores nor suppresses [her] liberty… It does not oblige her to yield indiscriminately to all the desires of her husband… [nor] mean she is on a level with persons… minors, who are ordinarily denied the unrestricted exercise of their rights” (Wives, Be Submissive to Your Husbands...? | EWTN) (Wives, Be Submissive to Your Husbands...? | EWTN). Modern preachers echo this authentic interpretation: a wife’s obedience is always conditioned by her human dignity and God’s law. She must never be asked to do something immoral or demeaning, and the husband has no license for selfishness or coercion (Wives, Be Submissive to Your Husbands...? | EWTN) (catholicexchange.com). In fact, if a husband were to violate his duty of love – for example, by behaving cruelly or irresponsibly – Catholic teaching would support the wife “putting her foot down,” as one Catholic writer put it, rather than docilely going along with sin or folly (catholicexchange.com) (catholicexchange.com). This careful delineation serves to distance the Church’s ideal of wifely submission from any notion of misogyny or abuse.

In many contemporary Catholic forums, the very word “submission” is unpacked etymologically or replaced with synonyms to soften it. A popular explanation by Catholic speakers Jackie and Bobby Angel, for instance, says that to submit literally means “to be under the mission” of another. In marriage, they explain, that simply means “being under the mission of the husband – and the husband’s mission is to love his bride as Christ loves the Church.” (What it Means to Submit to Your Husband - Ascension Press Media). Framing it this way, they conclude, “it’s about a relationship of reverence and love, not about who ‘wears the pants’” (What it Means to Submit to Your Husband - Ascension Press Media). In other words, if the husband’s “mission” is radical, self-giving love, the wife’s “submission” is chiefly an openness to receive that love and support his leadership in Christ. Numerous Catholic authors have made a similar point: the text calls husbands to be initiators of love and wives to be responsive, much as “we (the Church) love Christ because He first loved us” (cf. 1 John 4:19) ( Submission as a Response to Love: Ephesians 5 ) ( Submission as a Response to Love: Ephesians 5 ). One recent Catholic commentary explicitly reads Ephesians 5 in light of Romans 5:8 (“while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us”), arguing that “our submission to Christ…is a subsequent act that follows from Him loving us and laying down His life. Thus, following the analogy, the wife’s submission… follows from the husband’s act of laying down his life for her.” ( Submission as a Response to Love: Ephesians 5 ) ( Submission as a Response to Love: Ephesians 5 ). In this view, “the natural response to love is to return love”, so a wife’s obedience is understood as her loving response to a husband who is already sacrificing himself for her good ( Submission as a Response to Love: Ephesians 5 ). This kind of theological framing is common in Catholic marriage talks and writings: it shifts the focus onto the husband to “earn” his wife’s submission by Christ-like service. If a husband is not loving his wife as Christ does, then in practice the expectation that the wife submit becomes moot – she cannot be expected to “obey” unjust or unloving commands (Wives, Be Submissive to Your Husbands...? | EWTN) (catholicexchange.com). In sum, popular Catholic teaching heavily conditions the concept of wifely submission on the prior reality of the husband’s selfless love.

Cultural and Pastoral Factors Influencing this Emphasis

Why does the Catholic milieu today so strongly prefer emphasizing the husband’s sacrificial love? Several factors stand out:

• Modern Sensibilities: In an age deeply conscious of gender equality and wary of patriarchy, the language of female “subordination” is jarring. Pastoral leaders know that many in the pews find the bare phrase “Wives, be subject to your husbands” “offensive” or even harmful (Love holds no place for subordination | National Catholic Reporter). This is especially true in light of societal movements against domestic abuse and sexism. As one Catholic commentator noted, hearing “wives be subordinate” proclaimed in church today can feel “seriously wrong” in a culture where women are saying “Time’s up” to male coercion (Love holds no place for subordination | National Catholic Reporter) (Love holds no place for subordination | National Catholic Reporter). Emphasizing instead the equal dignity of the wife and the heavy responsibilities of the husband is seen as necessary to prevent alienation and misunderstanding among the faithful.
  
  

• Avoiding Misuse of Scripture: The Church is keenly aware that biblical injunctions about submission have been misused in the past to justify abuse or oppressive attitudes. To counter this danger, homilists choose to stress that “love excludes any kind of subjection” that would make the wife a doormat (The Husband-Wife Relationship in Ephesians 5, 21-23 | EWTN). By drilling in the message that “husbands must love their wives as their own bodies” and never selfishly (catholicexchange.com) (Wives, Be Submissive to Your Husbands...? | EWTN), Catholic teachers aim to safeguard the true meaning of the text. This pastoral strategy ensures that no one walks away thinking the Church condones a tyrannical husband or a voiceless wife. As Pope Francis summarized, the “seed of evangelical novelty” in Ephesians 5 is that “the husband’s love revolutionizes the marriage, re-establishing reciprocity and respect” – a concept far removed from any abusive dynamic (General Audience of 6 May 2015: The family - 13. Marriage (II) | Francis).
  
  

• The Priority of Christ-like Love: Catholic spirituality tends to prioritize positive duties (what we should do) over negative ones. Thus, when preaching on marriage, it comes more naturally to extol sacrificial love as a virtue to strive for, rather than to dwell on submission as an obligation to endure. Focusing on Christ’s model of humble leadership provides a constructive ideal that inspires both spouses. Clergy often find it pastorally more fruitful to challenge husbands to greater humility and service – something they can actively work on – than to simply tell wives to “yield.” Moreover, because Christ’s love is the very heart of the analogy, unpacking that concept fills homilies with rich theological meaning, whereas the word “submit” alone could sound one-dimensional without extensive explanation. In short, love makes for a better preaching focal point. As one priest observed, “the two become one – but which one? The one modeled on Christ’s love.” In fact, many marriage homilies explicitly state that if both spouses imitate Christ (each in their way), mutual submission happens naturally in a harmony of love. This positive framing aligns with the Church’s desire to inspire holiness in marriage rather than simply impose rules.
  
  

• Magisterial Guidance: The post-Vatican II magisterium has itself modeled the shift in emphasis. When the Catechism and official documents speak of marriage, they highlight mutuality, the “partnership of the whole life” (Code of Canon Law can. 1055), and the equal baptismal dignity of husband and wife. Pope John Paul II’s teaching on mutual submission gave bishops and catechists a language to catechize about Ephesians 5 without fear. Pope Francis and others frequently lift up the husband’s calling in their addresses, as we saw, thereby setting the tone that pastors should do the same (General Audience of 6 May 2015: The family - 13. Marriage (II) | Francis). Additionally, the inclusion of the mutual “Be subject to one another” (Eph 5:21) in the lectionary reading (it precedes the verses about wives) has encouraged homilists to preach on both spouses’ duties, not just the wife’s. In many dioceses, marriage preparation programs, Catholic books, and media by well-known Catholic authors (e.g. Scott Hahn, Edward Sri, Fr. Mike Schmitz, etc.) consistently interpret “submission” in light of “love and respect” rather than authority and servitude. This creates a widespread culture of interpretation in which the sacrificial love aspect is given pride of place.
  
  

In summary, there is indeed a strong tendency in contemporary Catholic circles to emphasize the husband’s Christ-like, sacrificial love for his wife over the wife’s submissive obedience. Whether in Sunday homilies, talks by popular clergy and speakers, or Catholic media articles, the message is remarkably consistent: Husbands, your duty to love is paramount and profound – you must imitate Jesus in laying down your life for your bride; and wives, your call to “submission” is understood as a loving response and cooperation, never as subjugation. This pattern emerges from both theological conviction and pastoral sensitivity. It reflects a conscious effort to highlight the Gospel’s call to self-sacrificial love as the core of marriage, thereby framing the wife’s role in terms of receptive love and mutual respect rather than servility. As a result, Catholic discussions of Ephesians 5 today often sound very different from a literal patriarchal interpretation: they focus on love, service, and mutual honor as the keys to living out the mystery of Christ and the Church in the home.

Personal Reflection: The Risk of Softening the Tradition

I think there is a real danger here—pastorally and theologically. If priests grow hesitant to preach the fullness of St. Paul’s teaching out of fear of controversy, and if husbands grow afraid to exercise headship in their homes, we risk watering down a clear, scriptural, and traditional vision for marriage. While we rightly condemn abuse and affirm the equal dignity of men and women, true equality does not erase divinely ordered roles.

Husbands are called to lead, and St. Paul is explicit about that. It is not a leadership of tyranny, but of sacrificial responsibility. It is headship modeled on Christ, who gave everything—even His life—for His bride. But headship still implies authority. That’s what makes it meaningful.

And wives, in turn, are called to submit—not passively, but actively—by cooperating with their husband’s leadership. This doesn’t mean agreeing with everything, nor does it mean silencing one’s conscience. But it does mean recognizing that the husband, under God, carries the burden of final responsibility. He has, as tradition has called it, veto power. Even if the wife doesn’t agree with a decision (barring the moral exceptions already noted), she is called to submit, out of love for Christ and trust in His design for the family.

We’ve spent years researching marriage, equality, abuse dynamics, and cultural pressures—and all of that work is important. But at some point, we must ask: Are we following the Word of God or the spirit of the age? The Christian vision of marriage is not merely about mutual affirmation; it is about complementarity, sacrifice, and yes—submission and leadership. That may be uncomfortable for some, but the discomfort may be the very place where grace wants to work.

Sources:

• Pope Francis, General Audience, 6 May 2015 (General Audience of 6 May 2015: The family - 13. Marriage (II) | Francis) (General Audience of 6 May 2015: The family - 13. Marriage (II) | Francis)
  
  

• Pope St. John Paul II, General Audience, 11 Aug 1982 (The Husband-Wife Relationship in Ephesians 5, 21-23 | EWTN) (The Husband-Wife Relationship in Ephesians 5, 21-23 | EWTN)
  
  

• Eternal Word Television Network (EWTN) – Library article on Ephesians 5 (Wives, Be Submissive to Your Husbands...? | EWTN) (Wives, Be Submissive to Your Husbands...? | EWTN)
  
  

• Catholic Answers Magazine, Fr. Ray Ryland, “Wives Be Subject to Your Husbands” (2004) (Wives Be Subject to Your Husbands | Catholic Answers Magazine) (Wives Be Subject to Your Husbands | Catholic Answers Magazine)
  
  

• National Catholic Register – Benjamin Wiker, “The Key to the Dreaded Ephesians’ Passage” (2019) (The Key to the Dreaded Ephesians’ Passage| National Catholic Register) (The Key to the Dreaded Ephesians’ Passage| National Catholic Register)
  
  

• National Catholic Reporter – Patricia M. Howard, “Love holds no place for subordination” (2018) (Love holds no place for subordination | National Catholic Reporter) (Love holds no place for subordination | National Catholic Reporter)
  
  

• CatholicExchange – J. Fitzpatrick, “Submissive Wives” (catholicexchange.com) (catholicexchange.com)
  
  

• Ascension Presents – Jackie & Bobby Angel video, “What it Means to Submit to Your Husband” (What it Means to Submit to Your Husband - Ascension Press Media) (What it Means to Submit to Your Husband - Ascension Press Media)
  
  

• Catholic365 – Jonathan Hayes, “Submission as a Response to Love: Ephesians 5” (2023) ( Submission as a Response to Love: Ephesians 5 ) ( Submission as a Response to Love: Ephesians 5 )
  
  

• Pius XI, Encyclical Casti Connubii (1930) as quoted in EWTN library (Wives, Be Submissive to Your Husbands...? | EWTN) (Wives, Be Submissive to Your Husbands...? | EWTN).